McAllen Texas
I am in agony.
Not even my nightmares are this bad. For much of my life, my greatest fear had been a slow and drawn out death. Slowly crippled piece by piece until finally falling to a cascade failure. This fate of mine now, I fear is much worse. For this is not going to kill me.
Not directly at any rate. I am down to less than seven hundred calories a day and it is starting to show. I cannot sleep, and I am exhausted. It feels like my guts have not rested in months. The muscles in my back tense to the point of causing involuntary convulsions. Hardly able to stand I lay in child's position trying to take any extra pressure off my digestive system.
This all said, getting here was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. The day before I left I ate twice as much as I would have normally, so that when i woke up in the morning I would get by on a half bowl of cornflakes. I would have ate more, but it was all i had left. It got me until the next morning when I had a half cup of fat free yogurt (yuck) and an apple. Aside from being weak, and starving I felt pretty good. It was on my third day when the hunger got too much and I baked chicken and potatoes that everything really started to get bad. I can still feel it moving through me, scraping along the tattered lining of my lower digestive system a full three days later.
I spent all of yesterday in bed, or the bathtub.
this is no life.
it is a nightmare.
Not even my nightmares are this bad. For much of my life, my greatest fear had been a slow and drawn out death. Slowly crippled piece by piece until finally falling to a cascade failure. This fate of mine now, I fear is much worse. For this is not going to kill me.
Not directly at any rate. I am down to less than seven hundred calories a day and it is starting to show. I cannot sleep, and I am exhausted. It feels like my guts have not rested in months. The muscles in my back tense to the point of causing involuntary convulsions. Hardly able to stand I lay in child's position trying to take any extra pressure off my digestive system.
This all said, getting here was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. The day before I left I ate twice as much as I would have normally, so that when i woke up in the morning I would get by on a half bowl of cornflakes. I would have ate more, but it was all i had left. It got me until the next morning when I had a half cup of fat free yogurt (yuck) and an apple. Aside from being weak, and starving I felt pretty good. It was on my third day when the hunger got too much and I baked chicken and potatoes that everything really started to get bad. I can still feel it moving through me, scraping along the tattered lining of my lower digestive system a full three days later.
I spent all of yesterday in bed, or the bathtub.
this is no life.
it is a nightmare.
posted by Uehen at 2:11:00 p.m.
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