NO CODE

I do not like the way this is progressing. I am in a better place than I was when I first arrived, but better is a long road away from good. Which is just great. My schedule now involves waking up between nine and noon, then going to bed some time between eight and midnight. Then a few hours later waking up in more pain than I can manage to sleep through, so I get up and come complain to you before making my way back to bed. Don't want to hear me complain? Why are you reading my blog?

I come here only to complain. For it is all there is in my mind to do. I understand that there are flee markets in the area that are the size of small neighbourhoods. If I can manage to get a alright deal on a flight for April, i think i am going to look into buying a super Nintendo. I would rather play mario kart than complain to you, i must confess. I am sure there is some benefit to getting this out of my head, but i am not convinced that this is doing anything more than making my pain more articulate.

Ugggh.

I slept last night, and even dreamed. Something I do not do often. It was even a pseudo sexual dream, which makes it stand out even further, as I have had fewer than a dozen such dreams in my life. Which I understand is something strange. I was feeling some what restored when I woke up, and dispite the heavy rain took off to pay rent. I had been waiting for a letter with another check, then I got ill, and then i realized it was getting late in the month. It is not polite to leave these things, even if one is sick. So I found an umbrella and made the five mile round trip. I had to stop twice on the way back to rest.

I am an old man. I have already come to this place where every day life is suffering. And I do suffer under it. I cannot lift my spear as I once did, and this bronze armour is now what cuts at my skin. I am to afraid to yet cast it aside, but to lost to do anything but head further down the tree line. The ocean back to the left of me, the forest ahead to the right. No rest with sleep, no time in relief.

I mean really, all the time? Does it have to be all the time? Can you not take, a few days off and just let me sleep? What would it take for you to just give me, a few days, after all the time in this last year? To sleep, and to dream. To get out from under this armour. To lay aside my spear.

And yet, I have already met some one who wants to open a business with me here. I find it strange that no matter where I go, I find people who want to get me involved in what ever they are working on. A record store, aimed at the hip hop crowd. It would do great do here, there is nothing like it going on. The idea would be shoes, records, paint, and space in the back to have shows. Setting the place up to be able to do it all would be costly, but I get the feeling it would do well. Even if the clientele would likely be well armed.

I was walking down to the library, when in the top left corner of my peripheral vision, I saw eyes. He saw me, and in the typical fashion I locked my gaze with his a rye smile on my face as I walked by when a shock hit me, “Wait! Don't stare at people in their homes! You have no idea if this is some glass head, or what!” I quickly looked away, but the eyes had moved away from the window and the body they belonged too opened the door and took two steps outside. I looked over my shoulder, as he stopped short, then quickly stepped back in through the door of the second story apartment. I did not look over my shoulder again until I was a good block down the road.

At least my brain seems to work working a little better today.

When I first started getting really bad... well no... when... fuck now that I think about it, I have always done little mental tests. Reading signs that I see every day to keep track of my declining vision. Seeing if can make 10,000 in ten minutes in supreme commander. Being able to write. Hardly scientific, but some measure of state. If you practice too much though, you just get good at beating the tests. Which is not the point. The point i have yet to figure out. It just seems to be tracking points on a downward spiral. Perhaps it is best to avoid getting to scientific on this one.

Fuck.

Fuck itty fuck fuck.

I am tired

but this eviscerated feeling will not fade.

Fuck. Fuck it awl.

All i wish. All i pray.

Is here with me. And here it stays.

Answers left in fingers tips,

prostrated for self

a vapid pursuer,

of this last angel,

Death and mercy,

to became one

and the same.

It is easy to be dark and depressing when you are sick with depression, and depressed on account of always being sick. Always being sick. For more than a year now, a year and a month rightly, i have waded in this murky pool. Blaaaah. And all i can feel is tired.

Mexico sounds like a good idea. I hope they take the necessary steps to secure the safety of their people. But first Merica needs to explore some market options for correction of the current drug problem. If it can stop caring about itself for a moment. The Americans will do the right thing, after all of the alternatives have been exhausted.

Twist and shout.