Spell check? I do not even proof read.

A man asked me if I knew where the other starbucks was located, and I told him that I did not know. He looked a little taken aback, and then thanked me for my honesty. We live in a world of pride bound liars, unwilling to even consider the possibility that there may be something beyond understanding. You should not have to thank me for my admission of ignorance. I remember when I was just out of highschool I got in an argument with a girl at a party. Suddenly I stopped, “Oh, yeah, no you are correct, I am wrong.” She grabbed me by both shoulders looked me directly in the eye and said, “What did you just say?” Confused, i repeated myself, “You are right?” Over come she thanked me again and again, saying that no one had ever capitulated before, even when they were clearly mistaken.

I do not want to live on this planet any more.

Oh thank the inner light,

Mandala yoga studio will be opening tomorrow.

Though if they are actually teaching any classes is something I have yet to discern. From what I understood of our conversation they do not have a licence to be open from the city just yet. I could hardly get past the spanglish, but I did come to understand that they would be open tomorrow until one. So I think I will just have to poke my head in and see what is going on.

After another close call, I have decided again to forgo the recommendations of my doctors and peers and stick with my fear of prescribed medication. Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors are just too gross to think about, and many of the side effects listed were the symptoms I was hoping to escape. I think I would be better served by simply increasing my intake or precursors, and go back to taking 5HTP.

I got a letter from the city of McAllen asking me to trim the grass in the back alley. At first I was a little put off by such a request, until i went out back and saw what was growing. My first reaction was, “I hope there are no snakes in this grass,” and then I realized why the garbage men and thus the city may object to the long grass. Anything could have been hiding in there, and likely does from time to time.

Ugh. I am unwell. I think it is time for bed.

Few hours later

Well that did not work.

I feel like hell. I think I need to limit myself to eating in the morning. This is not working.

There is a story I had been putting off, for a few years now, but that I started working on recently. It is something I think about a lot, and that once finished is to stand as a final note on this symphony. A final punctuation point at the end of a sentence run on for too long. A way to organize myself, so as to have something to look back on and perhaps find some clarity in it all. Or just find what has always been there.

I doubt I am going to make it to the studio now, they are only going to be open for two hours and even if i fell asleep now I would likely sleep though it. A new month and I am worse than I have ever been. It is clear now that returning to Saskatchewan was a monumental failure of judgement on my part. I thought I was doing poorly when I left Vancouver, but I was in no way ready for the cliff i was about to walk off. Everything got worse, and just kept getting worse.

There are signs that things are getting better, but it is hard to keep that in mind when you are too tired to stand. In too much pain to sleep. No reprieve. No escape. Just that feeling like part of you is being torn from inside of you. Even when it is not there, it is. Even when the hours between are good and the fist loosens itself, it is never for long enough to recover. Just enough to remind you that this may well be hell. Since I arrived, i have had three normal bowel movements. I have slept through fewer than five nights.

They think all of the foxes in the Florida everglades are dead. Possum sightings are down more than ninety five percent. The result of a booming snake population brought in by pet stores, and released into the wild by our fellow man. It is a shame we are such senseless creatures. They tried to ban the import of more snakes, but the pet stores have lobbyists, and managed to have this list of banned animals cut in half. So while a few of the worst offenders are now illegal, you can still have your anaconda if you really would like one.

There are parts of the world where we share the top of the food chain with snakes. The local human population hunts and kills the snakes for food, but they themselves often fall victim to the coils. Some one is eaten by a tiger every other day on average. Mostly honey gathers.

To be so hungry, and so afraid to eat.

To close your eyes, and find to rest.

While time, takes its time.

Unwinding itself slowly.

It is all i can do,

when there is nothing to be done.

But wait. And wait. Knowing the worst will pass.

If you can just wait. Wait a little longer.

And it will all come to pass.

I think this was easier to deal with when I was going mad. It is insanity to sanely sit here. To be awake and aware with a clear mind. Made to realize ever pang, and twinge. With out any hope of an escape, but time. Time to promise its future. Far off in some place, away from here, away from this rotting flesh.

I wonder if I could start a trans-humanism religion. Based on the idea that we are just a middle step on the road to manifesting god, by building ourselves into the gods that aught to be. Capable of infinite life, infinite love and and unparallelled understanding. Unbound by our evolution, our programed desires for reproduction, uncoupled from the will to power, free to see the world, as we want to see it. Casting aside hate and envy. Sloth and pride. No longer motivated by our personal greed, but free to define our own new ideals of life.

The idea that we, as we are now will simply come to be compassionate loving beings is more than a little silly. It would have happened by now if it could happen at all. Not to say that it cannot be within the individual, but we as a people, as the whole of humanity are petty short sighted wretches. We live lives too short to gain any sort of perspective on this place. Our minds calcify far too quickly to learn the lessons that are needed to become the stewards this planet desperately needs. We need to become something more, the over man, further thinking, with a grasp that can see without pride or self satisfaction what this place is. And how best to maintain the life herein.

The early gods, were men. Pharaohs who walked the earth, living and breathing. The early Jews believed that Yahweh was a man, that would one day bring them earthly salvation. For this great experiment to continue, we must re-assume this ideal and allowe ourselves to become these gods. We have to change. Take our future into our own hands, and direct the next generations, imbue them with the power to see beyond the vistas we can only now glimpse. To give them the gifts our natural selection could not afford.

Do not mess with gods work? Do you still have your foreskin? Will you allow your son to keep his?

Or do you already believe that this intelligent design can be improved upon? Well let us see if we can take it to the next level. We are now on the cusp of this potential. To rewrite the whole code. To take this great work that has been building at a rate of about one bit a year, and in the mater of a life time come up with something wholly new. We are innocent enough in our current efforts. Cure the blind, cut the cancer.

What does it mean in the end? It means an end. An end to every single lineage of the human line. It means that every one alive today will soon have no living descendant. This is likely the end result of our great human experiment no matter how you would like to look at it. However it need not be the final punctuation point, but the start of a whole new chapter. A chapter written by the last of humanity to ensure a legacy does move forward. More capable, more understanding. Beyond human, beyond good or evil.

If I could take you, and make you twice as smart, would you still be you? Would you want to be? How much of yourself would you want to keep with you once you could see yourself from the next elevation? If you could forever free yourself from doubt, and understand inside and out, that you know nothing. And be okay with it. Would you keep your petty fears, and willing ignorance, not wanting to lose that which made you human? Or would you gladly cast them aside, and move on to the next vista, too see beyond the shadows of the cave.

I think I could start a religion.

Its too bad my guts hurt.