Free Internet

My smoothy does not have enough peanut butter in it. And the addition of cantaloupe did nothing to improve its texture. I think next time I will eat the slices on the side.

I found chocolate without soy in it, and have so far managed not to eat much more than two thirds of a bar per day since this discovery. My budget is very tight and extravagances in the way of things that taste good need to be limited lest i run aground before the end of the month. The peanut butter is helping, but I calculated that I have been spending nearly four dollars a day in hemp hearts for my smoothies. Protein in Texas is not cheap if you are not eating beef. I made collard wraps on Friday and thought that I had made it safely into a nights sleep, only to be rudely awaken just after midnight to what felt like my intestines being ripped in half. The sensation was localized within the newest area of my suffering, a small section that only recently started to give me trouble.

Since this particular kind of pain first started to surface nearly three years ago, it has slowly been extending back up towards my stomach, like a snake taking more and more into its maw. I can feel my sustenance moving into and out of the area, like a hand roughly scratching over an area you forgot had a scab. It is getting better now, better than it was a few months ago, but it can be hard to remember that in the middle of the night with tears streaming down ones face. It can be hard to remember anything.

When last I found myself out of love, I took Socrates advice and enveloped myself in tragedy. Listening over and over again to Romeo and Juliet the point that the whole of the play sat easily within my mind. It was good advice, and the pangs of loss soon left my heart free again to beat to its own rhythm. Now that I find myself in suffering I turn not to Shakespeare but to Nietzsche. That such a man ever lived is enough to bolster my spirits, and return the want for life to my being. I doubt that many people have that reaction to the philologist, thought I know I am not alone in it either.

We have much in common, and to read his story in his own words I cannot help but wonder if he was a celiac himself. His symptoms, and his remedies for these ills ring many bells all too familiar to my ears. The lose of sight, the gastrointestinal difficulties, the aversion to alcohol, and even his brief stint as a vegetarian all indicate that he too may have walked this path. Nietzsche however was ten fold the man that I am, (that is little surprise,) as his dealings with his illness, and the lessons he pulled out of this time far surpass anything I have been able to gain by it. Being ill his whole life seems to be what pushed him to his great heights, where I feel rather crushed by this all.

Bed time.

And I wake. I slept, but awoke exhausted. Drained of energy from the first moment of the day, I stumble out of bed and into the shower. I added more peanut butter to my smoothy and made my way down to Starbucks. I cannot wait to get the internet at the house, I am growing tired of these faces and substandard coffee. I am growing tired of a good many things.

I should have brought my paints. It would have been far more useful to my mind than the luggage i did bring with me. Perhaps I will invest in some water colours. It rained last night. First time in a month. It has dipped down to 11 degrees here for the first time and I found myself in need of pants and a sweater. Oh come on now Wagner, I need some class up in this bitch. It has been three days! Finish downloading. The bandwidth is better than I expected for the price of a coffee, and the plug in powering my little laptop must have cut into the proffit they are making off me, but I have noticed a few people here who do not even bother buying a drink. They just sit, and no one tells them to leave.

My mind is mud. So I go.