Perfected Means Uncertain Aims

You can only spend so long looking at colours, and tools and kilns before you start to pull your hair out. Or at least it seems to be the case for myself. What the fuck, the library computer is set to American spelling? Who the hell set this lab up?

Well I have a place to live next month, and the months after that, so I no longer have to wonder what it would take it to be homeless. Not that it was of any grave concern.

I lost my job at the gas station. They told me I was not fired, because that would mean it was performance based, they were just letting me go. Like a fish with his gills torn out, tossed back into the water to finish its life. So I called the employment people and they said I did not have a case as I had only been working there for three weeks, and they still had the ability to let me go with out reason. Still, I made the guy feel really bad.

Then I got a call aboot an hour later from another gas station. Better pay, better hours, and better location, but it is still a gas station. It is the night shift, and I worked the first one last night. Ten hours, from ten until eight am. They guy who was charged with my training, and whom I will be ultimately be replacing is returning to Pakistan for his daughters wedding, and is planning on staying there. He is a pretty smart guy for some one who has been working midnights at a gas station for the last seven years. We discussed the decline of morals, ethics and faith in our modern times. I blamed television, he blamed the parents.

* * *

So I was sitting around the kitchen, and Amy is telling this story about how when she first got married she would always run around the house and try to clean it before her husband would return home. Now Amy is not really the clean the house type, and this had been the context of the conversation up until this point. Then it was at this point that the babysitter who had also been sitting in the kitchen suggested the reason she would run around cleaning was so that her husband would not yell at her when he returned from work.

Now, I realize I am telling this a little haphazardly, but if you were to meet these two married people you would quickly realize that they are not really the yelling type. The point of her story ended being that her husband later told her that he did not marry her to clean the house, but that he had married her because she would be a good mom. And it is true, she is a good mother, but that is not the reason I am telling you this story. My point in this tale is with the baby sitter, a pregnant eighteen year old girl who never finished high school, was hooked on meth, who Amy has helped get off the streets and whose default thoughts on how a man should act involved being yelled at when the house was not clean.

* * *

Strip everything away,
and you will find me,
buried in clay,
you will find me.

You know, the more I look at the miss lead, miss directed, miss educated, I cannot help but feel that we are not worth the effort. Our American dream, equality for all, especially the wealthy. Freedom to decide our own lives, and we decide instead not to live them.

Frustrated with the state of humanity.

Sean is Uehen