When I become death, death is the seed from which I grow.

*Saved as a draft instead of posted, now posted*

Thirteen minutes until the next bus, thirteen minutes until!
I will sit around and twiddle my thumbs,
while i write a rhyme that is kind of ho hum,
there is only thirteen minutes until!

Well i burnt most of the hair off one of my hands, but i managed to get my little glass tree done for the opening tomorrow. It is kind of a an odd job, as i just took all the pendants that I have been making up until today and kind of chained them to this glass tree. I was thinking that i would just make a rack to hold the pendants, then a tree to hold the pendants, and now the pendants are part of the tree. Evolution!

I think i like how it turned out, but i am not sure. (*I really like how it turned out.)

I would also like to buy some marijuana. I have not bought any in a very very long time. I still manage to get stoned almost every day, as between the people i work with and the people drifting through the gallery some one always seem to have something on the go.

I keep thinking that this glass hobby of mine is an insane expense. Almost a hundred dollars just to refill the gas tanks, and i will be out again in two weeks. I need to work out a better deal with some oxygen supplier. The rods of glass are not cheap either, and i am a way away from being able to sell anything. I still eat, though not much. I never go to the bar, i rarely eat out. I would say i am more, 'good with money' than 'cheap' but i am not sure if i am the one who gets to make the distinction.

*Written today! the day i posted.

A cat broke my glass tree. I laughed it off, as i knew it would be the ultimate fate for such a creation. Gave away most of the pendants, and may decide to repair it one day.

I had a dream the other night. I was way in back before the turn of the last century, being thrown into prison for reasons of one or another. I had my wrists bound and was hung on the wall like a piece of modern art, whilst all around me were men suffering the same fate. Some appeared to have been hanging for many years. I thought of hanging there day after day, as slowly my bodies own weight would rip itself apart. I awoke in a panic, terror and dread coursing through me, a new found fear of being incarcerated clutching tightly at my heart. I caught my breath, relaxed and let myself slip back into sleep.

But now i think,

Why do i have no similar fear of hell? It has only been thirteen years since i attended Catholic school, perhaps my agnostic thinking has finally purged the last few god fearing thoughts from my head. It does seem rather silly to me that an all seeing all knowing entity would be annoyed that i was copulating before attaching a band of metal to my hand. Why did you give me freedom if you did not want me to use it?

So i sin, so i sin, so i sin.

If it really did come down to it in the end i would say my being suffers from just over half of the seven deadlies. Lust, Avarice, Sloth, and of course Hubris, (impossible to escape if you suffer from even one of the others.) Wrath might also need to be added to the list, but i will let the heavens decide. My lust, i am unapologetic. My greed, i regret. My sloth, i loath, it is a weakness that speaks to more than sin and the thing i would change first about myself.

What you do not think i am lazy? I am hell of lazy. I have not even got my business of the ground yet. It has been a year! Still though, it is only in looking back that i can see the places that i could have cut corners. It is the snooze alarm, it is the tomorrow it will be done, it is the dishes in the sink. It is I, the sloth. Two toed.

I think i can take the "non-drinker" sticker off of my name card, as every chance i have to get loaded at work i do. The hotel buys some of the finest Champagne, and once they start speeches we have to clear the room, dooming the poor carbonated liquid to the drain. Which is where i try to come in. It does not always fail, and I am not always found out. Mostly i give myself up, as i am inebriated and do not know any better. Though the wrong people have yet to find out, and even intoxicated i still perform with in the bounds of reasonable conduct.

Which speaks volumes more of my fellow employees than it does of me.

So i guess this could count as my coming out... or coming back rather. Back to booze. Not that i will dive in, or even allow my head under the currents, but it does not seem correct to say i abstain. You know, thinking back to my own history, i believe it was salvia that ended my days in the first place. I remember in the back seat of that broken down car with the bucket hooter between my legs and coming back to my own mind wishing that i had been better able to keep on the straight and narrow. Wishing that i had not taken that first step, but low i tumbled down that rocky slope, and have not been the same since.

Salvorin A, the key chemical in Salvia Divinorum, the plant that changed my life more than person place or thing could have ever hoped to change me. From such a height, who knew how far the bottom would be.

And still it calls to me. The worst, the profound, the earth shaking mind splitting plant, still calls to me. I have done it more than most, but have not enjoyed it as the few and far between have. Though I am incline to see my bad experiences as learning experiences, it is not anything i would ever call fun. It gives me flash backs, it shows me aspects of my mind i did not realize were possible, it is the end, and unknowable. Still I think I want to give her another round. Ninth times the charm!

Okay,

Sean will one day change his name to Uehen

When you punish a person for dreaming his dreams, do not expect them to thank or forgive you. The best ever death metal band out of Danton, with in time both out pace and out live you. Hail Satan.