I Should Revise This Again

Late at night, finding myself on the street again. Trying to hide the desperation in every step I take. The pale orange light from ever lamp that guides my way, I feel lost on this path to becoming whole. How much self reflection is needed before I feel another year older. Unable to shake that sense of futility that comes with every step I take, as I blacken my lungs with every breath. I feel I have nothing to say.

The poetry I listen too only makes me hurt, with every cleaver phrase. Imagery of life and loss, I feel I have accepted as much as I can take.

Oddly enough, I think my land lord is to blame for this black cloud. He does not like me, and he does not hide it well. He is quick to anger, and lacks understanding but he does not like me living here. That angers me. I felt like yelling at him, for all the good it would have done. Tyler, I feel this house, and our room mate were both mistakes. I felt myself wishing he would evict us as he argued with the plumber trying to fix our sink.

I feel unsure of myself.

I have not done any of the things I came here to do.

When any aspect of my life has displeased me in the past, I would simply cut it out and leave it behind. That is largely why I find myself living here now. Being able to leave things behind is something I had taken for granted I now realize. I find myself in this house with a woman I cannot stand. Like an inoperable cancer, eating me alive. This is why I asked you to come here James.

And the glass of course, but I do not need you for that.

I dream of Victoria, and dieing alone.

Today is day three with out smoking any marijuana. I stopped because I am running low, and because I really have not missed a day for as long as I can remember. I wanted to clear my body, so that next time I would feel it like hammer to the head. I think I will hold off until Monday, so long as this clarity does not drive me to madness. This clarity.

I have started cleaning the house every day. I shoveled the walk to near perfection yesterday. Walking the streets tonight smoking a cigar and listening to the shins, I realized that I may have the cleanest walk way in the whole Osborn area.

I bough a saw and a drill yesterday.

Yet for as agitated as this all must sound, I do love Winnipeg. Though I am not sure why. It could be the 5HTP.

I was sick this morning indirectly because of it, as when I am happy I do not eat. I was getting by on a meal a day for almost a week before it caught up with me. I wonder how heavy I am now. When I stood on the scale back in grade nine, I was a hundred and twenty nine pounds. When I stood on the scale before coming out here, I was a hundred and thirty. I did not experience much fluctuation in the time between, but I have not scale at all for the moment.

Bah. I feel better already. Stupid 5HTP will not let me have a bad day like a regular person. I still want you to move here James, getting rid of Miranda is secondary to the glass, but it is a nice bonus.

Uehen for now, Sean for later.

This rather simple epitaph can save your hide your falling mind
Fate isn't what we're up against there's no design no flaws to find
There's no design no flaws to find.

But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I
Know I got this side of me that
Wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just
Fly the whole mess into the sea.