Perfected Means Uncertain Aims

You can only spend so long looking at colours, and tools and kilns before you start to pull your hair out. Or at least it seems to be the case for myself. What the fuck, the library computer is set to American spelling? Who the hell set this lab up?

Well I have a place to live next month, and the months after that, so I no longer have to wonder what it would take it to be homeless. Not that it was of any grave concern.

I lost my job at the gas station. They told me I was not fired, because that would mean it was performance based, they were just letting me go. Like a fish with his gills torn out, tossed back into the water to finish its life. So I called the employment people and they said I did not have a case as I had only been working there for three weeks, and they still had the ability to let me go with out reason. Still, I made the guy feel really bad.

Then I got a call aboot an hour later from another gas station. Better pay, better hours, and better location, but it is still a gas station. It is the night shift, and I worked the first one last night. Ten hours, from ten until eight am. They guy who was charged with my training, and whom I will be ultimately be replacing is returning to Pakistan for his daughters wedding, and is planning on staying there. He is a pretty smart guy for some one who has been working midnights at a gas station for the last seven years. We discussed the decline of morals, ethics and faith in our modern times. I blamed television, he blamed the parents.

* * *

So I was sitting around the kitchen, and Amy is telling this story about how when she first got married she would always run around the house and try to clean it before her husband would return home. Now Amy is not really the clean the house type, and this had been the context of the conversation up until this point. Then it was at this point that the babysitter who had also been sitting in the kitchen suggested the reason she would run around cleaning was so that her husband would not yell at her when he returned from work.

Now, I realize I am telling this a little haphazardly, but if you were to meet these two married people you would quickly realize that they are not really the yelling type. The point of her story ended being that her husband later told her that he did not marry her to clean the house, but that he had married her because she would be a good mom. And it is true, she is a good mother, but that is not the reason I am telling you this story. My point in this tale is with the baby sitter, a pregnant eighteen year old girl who never finished high school, was hooked on meth, who Amy has helped get off the streets and whose default thoughts on how a man should act involved being yelled at when the house was not clean.

* * *

Strip everything away,
and you will find me,
buried in clay,
you will find me.

You know, the more I look at the miss lead, miss directed, miss educated, I cannot help but feel that we are not worth the effort. Our American dream, equality for all, especially the wealthy. Freedom to decide our own lives, and we decide instead not to live them.

Frustrated with the state of humanity.

Sean is Uehen

Add Content

My head hurts,

I am at our hallowed down town library, and once again, the place is full. I have to be off to work in as little as twenty minutes, but I find my feet have no longing for that place just yet. So I wait and procrastinate, hesitate... bla. My wisdom teeth are starting to peek their way through the back of my mouth, and the affects are rather painful. I think it is why my neck and head hurt.

My kiln is still missing in action, so mostly I just play Mario kart. I ran a perfect circuit just before I came down here, sixteen's races all victories. Have not done that before. Killing zombies takes up a good deal of my time as well. Other than that I mostly just pace back and forth waiting.

I lost my job then got an other one an hour later. Seems like it will be better hours as well. Sun rise lose a job, sun set gain a job.

Well my mind is run,

Sean

Millennium

There are people still standing by, waiting for the computers, who have been standing by since I arrived. The difference between us it seems is I know how to book time on the computer, where they just hope one will become free... It is a rather awkward situation, when you just show up and are able to log onto the computer that they had been trying to gain access to for the last five minutes.

I tried to explain to the fellow that I had a booking, and that it would not allow him to access the internet without my library card, but he spoke rather poor English and in the end I think I just made him angry. I do not recall a time that I have not cut past a long line of onlookers oblivious to the ebb of this place, but low it is not my place to educate these people.

It seems that one window of internet explorer can crash on these computers with out bring down, er ahh... all the windows. Why do they not run fire fox, have they not yet heard the word? Tabbed Browsing! It can be done!

Now, I am all about being a weirdo, but the fellow to the left of me is wearing a single woman's earring. What makes it a woman's earring, I am not wholly sure how to define it, but let us just say that it is dangly, about two inches long and has many tiny blue stones being held together by gold metaly wire on one of those ear ring hooks. He only has one, which makes it look as if he is trying to be conservative in with his in your face ish ness.

Bah!

Sean

T-5mins

and counting,

well I just thought I would let you know, they came and took my kiln away, which is good and bad news. The good news is, i get a new kiln, the bad news is they do not get it until mid next week, which means it will likely be a year before i get it.

So yes, things are going slow, and painfully so.

It seems so
More or less
when i go
back and forth
too and fro

I already have paid off twenty percent of my debt.

So that much is good.

Sean

Pride

When speaking one a phone recently, I was told that I was proud. A proud person. Now, it urked me some, as they repeated it a good few times over the course of a rather short time. Pride, proud pout.

The first of the deadly sins, and the source of all other sins I wanted to argue my case, but instead decided to wait, think some more about it and ultimately write this. I had to look up the words on dictionary.com, as for all the books in our house the only dictionary I could find was a German one. It was the third definition that I most often apply to the word, "Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; haughtiness," and I cannot say with any honesty that I have been clean of such conduct, though it may not saturate my character. I ofcourse would rather be called dignified, but just because it is what I would rather does not mean that is what I am. The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect, seems to suit my pallet, but. gah I do not know.

When I think of pride I think of people dyeing for their country, gays walking with banners, and drunks at the bar. I have often argued that we would all be a lot happier with a little less pride.

I want a quiet dignity, to understand myself and be sure of who I am without stepping on any one else's toes. To live my life, and conduct myself in a way that still allows me to sleep at night. Am I so proud, loud,

maybe.

I only have two minutes left.

Well, I will think about it and get back to you.

UehenaeS

Today's

So I finally got the third box of my equipment, (the kiln) and it is broken to alls hell.

Needless to say this is rather frustrating, as I cannot use it until the insurance people have there way, and either take it away, or... Something. I am still waiting ot hear back from them.

The library nearest my house is under renovation, so I am once again writhing you from the over priced Asian cafe just down the street from my house. Good location, but this post and the emails I sent have already cost me two dollars. Which is a bigger deal than I would like to admit. The safety equipment for my torch and gas stuff cost a good two hundred dollars more than I had budgeted for, so I gave up smoking pot. Giving up my only true love in such a stressful time has been, well stressful, the worst of it being the boredom. Those moments when it is too early to for bed, to stressed to game or read or yoga, and I just stand there pacing back and forth like a lion in his cage. Helpless to do anything about my situation, but if they would just let me out!

Three minutes! Better spell check!


Have to fly,

Uehen Sean Padraigh O'Reilly

Not Todays

Wrote this a while ago, just posting it now.

* * *

Hey now sean, it's a good thing our computers here suck, otherwise i woudn't have noticed your unit price for star white had been miss keyed for $421.25 instead of $41.25, (whoops truly sorry) so your new numbers are $4,443.42 an the breakdown goes like this:

This is but one of many small screw ups i have had to deal with over the last six months. Yesterday two of my three boxes arrived, giving my my glass, colour, rods, and so forth. no kiln though. i am pretty sure i remember paying 1200 dollars for one, but low and behold.

I thought coming to the library to vent would be a good idea, but then i relized only after i got here that i forgot my card. so i am quickly pouring my mind out into hotmail because the express computers do not give you access to much of anything else, and the quickly is a result of my fifteen minute limit on these computers. through i must say that there are some people here who have been on for much more than the allowed time. still through, there is some one waiting. i feel i should say something.

Stressed. So i send them money on a friday. It is wednesday before they send the fucking boxes, then they get sent to Saskatoon, so they finally get here yesterday missing one box. I think i am going to start using a diffrent supplier. I told them if i have not gotten it by monday i want my money back.쟧 have never delt with a more unorganized bunch of slack jawed yokas in all my life.

really all i need is a hug.

my wisdom teeth hurt.

So what else can i say to you.

the east indian fellow fell asleep reading his box on the chair.

my time is up.

Sean


When i was younger, i used to tell people my favorite day was tomorrow. at the time i could have had no idea how zen, or hilarious that really is, but you know. undisicovered potential. or something.... gah.