Space Vs Time

I have never been one to correct some one in their thinking when it came to something good about me, even if it was entirely undo. That being said I have never done to much to try and change some ill thinkers mind. Have I ever been much on saying about myself? I started thinking about this with all the job interviews going on. I can be really good at selling myself, at removing the doubt from the employers mind that I am just what they need.

So how much more can I say.

Who reads this anyways! Who are you!

The sun makes it hard to look at the monitor. I had better wash some socks. I am all out of clean wooly ones. And frankly, they are all I ware.

The Meek shall inherit the earth, after the rich leave for other planets.

I finished the missions for Destroy All Humans last night, and I will admit that it was a very tasty experience. Rich in flavor, lovely textures, beautifully rendered. The game informs me that I have not finished the game, as I have not walked around and collected all the little hidden secrets they have on every map. I am not going to walk around and collect anything. What the hell is that anyways? You think you can make your game longer by hiding shit on the level then telling the play to go find it for the sake of finding it? Bah.

When I start my new life, I won’t touch the ground.
Going to try hard this time, not to touch the ground.

Tyler’s computer makes a sound like two tiny bits of metal clinking together. Makes me laugh.

What is going on in there?

Tiny dwarves doing some metal working with the heat off the processor.

Gramophone!

Uehen/Sean

He only pretends to know what he is talking about.
Like everyone else.

Beware the ideas of March!

Well you will get none of my pity! You hear me? I am saving it all for myself! It is my pity, all my self pity.

Scatter brain.

The first draft says a lot about a person. The second and third revisions get a little clouded.

Keep writing everything down eh?

Well I have been thinking about that lately as well. I have had a lot of time out here, and a fair bit of hash as well. As said before, and as I will keep saying if for no other purpose than satire, that my greatest fear is that I will not be able to write down my last thoughts as I am dying. That I would want some one else to know, is that not weird? Why am I so possessed with telling you what is on my mind. Well I mean you hear what is on my mind, after I censor, reword and delete most of it. By not posting everything I think I sometimes feel that I am manipulating you into thinking things about me. How much of what I say can you really take at face value? This should only be used as an approximation of who I am, as it is me telling the story.

I decide what you believe about me, because I can write it how ever I like. Most times, yeah I am too lazy to proof read even once and just post it. However I usually do not say much in these posts. Or am I just discrediting them so you will over look them yourselves... The ones that I rewrite a dozen times or more often are set up to make you believe what I want you to believe. I can do this, because there is no one to say otherwise. So what do you believe? What do you think I am trying to say with all this? Is this a manipulation tactic as well? I seem to just be exposing the weakness in my own writing, there cannot be anything deeper here...

Maybe I am just trying to get you to read more closely to try and find some hidden meaning, and as a result you will make up patterns and extrapolate ideas about me. Coloured by your personal experience, and what you have been told. Maybe I am just hoping you will pick up on that subtle joke, or come to some great realization. Or something. Maybe I am trying to dissuade some of you from reading this. By writing something self contrived and egotistical I will make you believe I am stuck full of myself, and make you realize there is nothing worth reading herein.

A Sense Trick

Eccentric

So I say something, some one laughs, and every now and then they ask, “What is that from?”

Back in the day I was always the first one to pull out a Simpson’s quote, and was often times forced to reveal that it was not me behind the genius... like all those lyrics I post and then not tell you who wrote them... it was some one else.

I stopped watching the Simpson’s sometime around the end of high school. Then I stopped watching television. I stopped going to movies and listening to the radio. I started to tune pop culture out of my life. I stayed online and read comics, played video games, and pirated music. (Arrg Matis!)

Now when they ask, I more often than not, get to claim it as my own. My memory augmentation habit has also maked it hard to remember quotes. I am kind of forced to just keep making it up as I go.

I did once get to yell, “THE HOSE,” and push Amanda.

Cloud is a stupid spelling. It should be... something else... more festive.

Keep writing things down. So why do I feel the need to write this down. Most of my time walking around is spent composing paragraphs in my head. I come up with an idea and then work it out in my head then come write it down. If it is written on paper first it usually does not make it online, I am far too lazy to transcribe anything. That being said, I used to get really annoyed if I did not make it to paper before the idea passed. I felt the need to catalog all of my ideas, in case I need them again later, when I am old and have forgotten how to live. Is that what I am afraid of?

I have started to think that writing is not so much important. I write to improve. To analyze myself and collect my thoughts so that I can understand myself, but I do not have to write it down to improve! Do I? Can I not just think, and use my thoughts to build a foundation on, instead of these puny paragraphs. (Lame) I think the English language limits my thinking. When I think, I think in words. Words that are bad at math. And grammar. Thinking is like an internal monolog with me. I can understand my body, I know every feeling in it, but words cannot describe! Ah! Alas I am limited by the medium of my own mind! I am limited by my humble understanding of it; I have only so many words to use at my disposal.

Synonymous. Say it out loud. Now use it in a sentence. Feels good.

The Italians have words to describe how well their pasta is cooked. Think about that.

Well Tyler, I waited, and I talked to you about it. I have not changed my mind; so much as I have decided to talk to her when you are not around. So even if you do take a moment in your busy day to read this, it is most likely too late.

On conflict. It really is a love hate relationship with me and conflict. So high energy, requiring dynamic thinking, remaining calm, and not losing focus on your points. Debate taught me well. And StarCraft taught me bringing a tank to a gun fight is the surest way to win a war.

Do you ever laugh when you read this?

So Beaver and Steve is one of the most amazing comics to come along in a long time. Sing along. It will not take you more than a half hour to read all the archives, and it is worth ever strip of it.

http://www.beaverandsteve.com/index.php?comic=1

Steve’s girlfriend has the same name as my room mate. Find out why that is funny on strip five! And do not forget the exciting conclusion on strip six!

I do not normally use exclamation marks. I do not normally yell in my head. But I am right now!

I blame the Liars. I have been listening to them in an every other album pattern for three days now. Last two weeks it was Frog Eyes who got almost every other play. Belle and Sebastian have been holding on very well, with The White Stripes and Neutral Milk Hotel both almost completely dropping of the radar. I want to get some Dead Kennedy’s. I also want to find out the name of that girl who plays the harp and is really big on the folk festival circuit. High voice singing songs, it haunts me even now, but for all my verbosities I cannot describe it.

Eschew obfuscation.

It is only funny if you bother to look up the meaning. It is English I assure you.

Where is the line between self promotion and selling out, are there standard for online blogs? If I started flaming forums to draw in readers into this blog o mine, would that be shameful? Should I be actively trying to recruit, so that I may have more people to subject to my ranting. Ravings. I could be the walrus.

But I would still have to bum rides off people.

Uehen/Sean

How can I be expected to run in these shoes? Shiny, shiny shoes.

I do not know what is going on.

I fought in a war and I left my friends behind me,
To go looking for the enemy, and it wasn't very long,
Before I would stand with another boy in front of me,
And a corpse that just fell into me, with the bullets flying round,
And I reminded myself of the words you said when we were getting on,
And I bet you're making shells back home for a steady boy to wear,
Round his neck, well it won't hurt to think of you as if you're waiting for
This letter to arrive because I'll be here quite a while.

Hmmm my blog did not post one of my posts for two days, then it appeared. Strange. I wrote this thinking that the old one did not post. I wonder what I would have said differently if I had thought it had posted, as it has seemed too... bla.

Brain Fry.

So I got a job at Rogers Video which has resulted in free video games when ever I please them. It also means I can rent a system for free any time. This means even more games are to be had. So I may not have as much free time as I once was privy too. I do not feel like writing much.

I felt like wasting some time.

Lego has captured me again. It will be ten in the evening and then I will get up to go to the bathroom and it will be five in the morning. This used to happen to me often as a child. I would also fall asleep on my Lego and be forced through the rather painful process of unbricking myself. It sure is easy to just get lost in all. Finding a single piece can bring about the reconstruction of a tower that that took an hour to build. When you get a good idea, you have to just go with it, even if it means leaving or completely taking apart what you were working on.

This is my greatest creation.

And I already have bigger plans for the next one.

I think being out here has really forced me to reexamine some of my habits and tendencies. It has brought about a creative reawakening so to speak. A realization of my old patterns has allowed me to move away from it and towards more dynamic thinking. I have stopped worrying so much about making mistakes.

I am going to go.

Uehen/Sean

I no longer want to be a man,
I want to be a horse.
Men have some thoughts,
I need a tail.
Give me a tail.
Tell me a tale,
Of the children that stood in th

No one cares.

One day I will get to hold the job interviews.

I am going to be a pain in the ass to work for, because I am going to expect some one who knew at least as much as I did. Skirt or not.

Q: do you know of any local, rare... things? hard to find once and a whilers?
A: iv got a bunch of salvia extract
Q: So do I..... *shivers* No more... no more... I have salvia flash backs. I did not know what a flash back was until salvia left her lipstick on my cheek. Every now and then when I touch my face, I can still feel it. Cold, elusive, and unknowable.

Salvia is Fucked.

You really have no idea what the mind is capable of. How for out of yourself your own mind will retreat to. To get away from that nameless nightmare. From that sleepless dream, that haunts my mind like a creaky chair. Creak creak. Haha... ahh I am lame.

But seriously here folks, do not try salvia until you are prepared to watch the world unmake itself before you mind.

*Shivers*

I do not expect my employees to have tried salvia. Unless we start to sell it of course.

I am getting a head of myself. I do not even have a job myself yet. Well I have Rogers tomorrow. Soon I will unmake existence.

Oh yeah, and I thought of a contender for company name,

A Sense Trick Glass.

Or

Since 1983.

Both good names if I may be so bold to proclaim. I am still open to ideas if you have them. Leave a note with suggestions!

Ahh. I decided to ask myself, what would Tyler do, and as such I find myself waiting and thinking as apposed to the yelling I had planned. She knows I am up set for some reason, and had come to the conclusion that she had to talk to me a lot as a result of that. A blank stare and continuing to build my Lego fortress eventually encouraged her to leave me alone. It has been the day and I still want to yell at her. Let us see how I feel in the morning.

So for some reason I had thought that I knew about all the good online comics. I mean, I read enough of them that I am fairly well covered. Or so I thought. In just this last week I have found Beaver and Steve, ah more on that later. http://www.beaverandsteve.com/

Sean/Uehen

My Wrath

Who would have thought lying to my face would have been one of my buttons. I heard Miranda’s cell phone go off but decided to skip the morning ritual, and not go jump in the shower before her. Twenty minutes later I started thinking that she was having a really long shower. Forty five minutes later I was wondering if it was going to end. Then it did. So after waiting an additional fifteen minutes waiting for the sound of the bathroom door to open, I got up and knocked.
“Have fun having a cold shower, some one turned down the hot water.”
“What?” I proclaimed.
“I had to have a cold shower.”
“The whole time?” I inquired.
“Yes.”
She lied. If the steam on the window and mirror had not been there, she still could not have hid that red burnt skin colour you get from sitting in a hot tub. The rush of warm humid air past me and down the stairs. I do not know how to turn the water on the water heater down. So that rules me out, and leaves Tyler and Miranda. Why would Tyler turn the water heater down? Only in the possibility he foresaw this future and set this whole thing up... a cunning plan... but Tyler runs into parked cars on his bike, so I doubt he has any prescience abilities. Which mean even if it was true and she did have a cold shower the whole time, it was her who turned the fucking thing down. I could not see myself in the mirror when I first disrobed, and when I was done my shower, I could see clearly. I do not mind cold showers, I was all about the cold shower this summer. But that being said I do not like being lied to my face in my house for no other reason, than my room mate did not want to own up to using all the hot water. She is greedy, she is a liar, and she is a red neck. I hope she is wise enough to say not a single word more to me, for a good long while.

Sometimes I wonder if I just wait for excuses to yell at people. I can be pretty good at it, but mostly because I prepare. I think about what they are going to say. Angles they will deflect back with and how to counter act. Being prepared however does not always mean I will yell at some one. I often decide against it. So when I do, I usually have my shit together. But now I realize, as every Christian child one day realizes, guilt is the most cutting weapon. I am going to tell her how I see the future, from where I am standing. I am going to tell her the plan for the next few months.

Uehen/Sean

Space Time

Ugh, it is only noon?

So I crashed the business meeting and it turns out that it was nothing that I did not already learn from their web site. Out of the hour and half presentation the only thing I got out of it was the difference between a business mentor and an artistic mentor. I had been worried that they wanted me to hang out with another lamp worker, but it turns out they just want me to hang out with another businessman.

I gave them a rough draft of my business plan, and I should be getting a call back about it sometime today I hope. I also went down to the zoning department and talked to them for a while. Then I spent an hour explain what a lamp was to the people in business licensing. Everyone seems to be more worried about the kiln than the lamp... good ol misleading language. So I need to register a business name, then I can get a business loan, but while that is all going on I need the zoning department to give me the okay, and it all costs money. I got to have my first, “but they just sent me to you,” moment, and I have a feeling I may be in store for a whole lot more. The roses bloom from money.

I got a lot done today.

The ball is in their court for now.

Give me money! I will give it back I promise! Their youth business loans rock, I only have to pay back the interest for the first year, and frankly speaking if I cannot pay back most of the loan in the first year I am not going to be happy. Rent, Food, Pot, Loan. Descending ordered of importance.

Teacher: Okay class, just to dispel any play ground confusion on the matter, Back words day is November twenty third.

Student: But that is a Saturday.

Teacher: That is correct, so in the spirit of the day you will all be coming to school that day. There will also be a math test.

If it takes Mary forty minutes to walk to Jane’s house, and she leaves at three forty what time does she arrive.

So I got the Lego out. And if you call it legos so help me god I will cut you. I can already see that this is my finest creation. Almost two feet tall and I have hardly put a dent in my supply. My goal is to use every piece I have in a fortress. THE MANA FORTRESS!!!

I can see how I have already developed over the course of the evening, breaking away from old patterns and styles I developed during my youth. I have given up the self imposed rules, or ideals I once had about how a fortress should be built. I have, take these old styles to heart, and still use them where I think it adds greatest affect but mostly I have allowed myself to simply flow around the creation as it slowly shows itself into a monolithic testament to being bored and stoned. I build little jokes into the walls of the castle itself, things that I am sure only I would find funny. Patterns repeating themselves in a giant construction build for the sole intent of holding a door in floating in the air.

So if it take Mary fourty minutes to walk to Jane’s house and she leaves at three fourty what time will Mary arrive at Jane’s?


Uehen/Sean

Pointing at Chaos

People who work out are performers. Whether for themselves or for others, it is just a simpler performance.

Oh god. I try not to think about it. How my future hangs on the balance of two entities.
The Men With Money, and my nigger James Brown.

It makes me want to freak out a little.

Yay for businessman.

I have a seminar tomorrow at nine in the morning at the Cargailed Building. Seems they have meetings for people like me on a regular basis. Would a suit be too much? Or would it be the perfect tool for begging for money. Oh the roses bloom from money. I did not figure a new computer into my budget. I wonder if I can get the rbc to hold the loan for me, and then get another loan out on top of that one... incase I ever need an extra five grand for something. Ugh. My head hurts. Kind of makes me want to punch Miranda. Well I cannot hit Tyler, I like Tyler.

What is the weather like.

It hurts a little inside when I give thanks, for those ten degrees above freezing.

Long johns rock.

So does Bella and Sebastian. I met a fifty year old woman whose two favorite bands were Korn and Metallica. You meet some crazy people pumping gas. Now I work at rogers video. Soon I will work for myself! Muahahahahahaaa... ahhh I need money. I hate money. It is like a hate, hate relationship. I hate that I do not have enough, and I hate people who do.

Hate is such a strong word, but money fits so nicely into that black place within my heart.

Makes me feel punchy.

Bah! They just called and said the seminar is full. Hmm. I am going to go anyways.

Marijuana: Crutch or Cure-all?

More on that next time.

Uehen or Sean

So Second Century

I have never been bothered,

leaving those behind,

who did not fallow,

when I started walking.

Thinking mushrooms.

They do parlor tricks as well.

Another day another job offer.

I love Vanessa. She offered me a job today. It being out in Victoria I think I may have to wait on it, but it is nice to know I am wanted all across the western half of Canada. Wanted dead along the east coast. Getting a loan may get a little more personal that I would like. Getting a bigger loan to pay off the first few payments is a rather scary idea. Starting a business is a lot of hard work, and a lot of being careful about not stepping on the wrong toes. Never minding the work I will have to do once everything is green lights. Products... Vanessa said she would buy some of my stuff if I was having a hard time finding buyers for the first while.

Earrings. I am going to make you kids some crazy earrings. Why are they called earrings when they need not be rings? Ear pendants too many syllables? One day there will be a law against misleading language. No more self defeating clauses!

High school was totally about lunch. What better times were had from eight until three than the time we had for lunch? From gaming at Owens, movies with Ellis, and the couch in the SRC, lunch is what high school was totally about.

Throwing stones at Christians is so second century. Picking on religious people is like shooting fish in a barrel. Who ordered the popes benedict anyways?

Hope to be. I can already see myself becoming set in my ways, if I really look back analyzing my life I can see the trends starting to flush themselves out long ago. There is a certain lack of surprise in who I have become. Right now, as I feel my roots go deeper, and my bark get thicker; I can only hope to become something I will not hate later. I have to try and mold myself into what I want to be, so that when I do stagnate I can at least be proud of these roots and the history that holds my life off the ground.

My friends and I are just growing up to replace all the liars and drunks that we have always hated, and there are problems. Problems with everything.

Take that Saskatoon! I am taking James Brown with me! Muhahaha... And now that we are splitting the rent another way we can finally afford to heat the place.

This days post is brought to you by too much caffeine. I have not been able to order my words lately, to the point of being openly mocked by Tyler. I will get them all out in the sentence, sure, but all mixed up. Yeah I am going to stop now and get some füd form the shoppe.

And I have never had much trouble,

Knowing when it was time to go.

Uehen/Sean

All is quiet, except for this song.
So maybe while I am not together I can feel like I am not alone.
And somewhere off in the distance, rapidly advancing is an onslaught of sorts.
Young sirens wail with a skewed sense of glory.
And the lions in the cages roar at the memory of flight.

And there is a joy, a joy in all I can see.
A joy, in every possibility.

A Hard Sell

Fuck that! I do not get to spend even one day with out a job! Not one day can I call myself an entrepreneur, working for my business plan! Can I not go a day with out some one offering me a job?

Oh well, that just means I need to get it all done now.

Uehen/Sean

Saskatchewan entrepreneur finds fortune in Manitoba.

I will be the sole proprietor of the manufacturing business ‘Since 1983’ to be run out of his home. Primarily manufacturing Pyrex products the business will be split into focusing on two different sections of the market place. Manufacturing pyrex jewelry, ornaments, and dishware are to be the primary focus for the first year, with pyrex paraphernalia being secondary. There is also the potential of expanding into lab equipment in the coming years.

The demand for glass products has always been there, but due to the initial investment costs few artisans have bothered to take it up as a career. The market is largely untapped with a few exceptions being for that of relatively low quality imports. As a result of the quality issue many retail outlets are often reluctant to import as you do not get a chance to see what it is you are buying until it arrives, and as no two pieces are ever the same you often end up with surprises. In my experience working for one such retailer I would often find glass with design flaws, and was then forced through a lengthy and costly return of the item, only to have something else unexpected arrive. By developing a face to face relationship with local merchants, I will be able to provide a better quality of service, and will be better equipped to handle special orders with out having to undercut the competition. This allows me to maintain my profit margins, save the retailer on shipping expenses, and provide fast reliable service.

The first three months of operations will consist of finalize a working product line, and establishing a customer base with local merchants. Initial development stages have already been under way for almost a year, and my initial market surveys of potential retail outlets has been very promising, with interest from both independently owned and franchise outlets. I worked as the manager of one such outlet for almost a year and have extensive experience with the inner workings of such businesses, as well as a firm understanding of the demand within the market place.

Within the first year I hope to be able to expand and hire another artisan to work manufacturing with me, and then hire or contract out a traveling sales representative to expand my customer base in other cities. A book keeper will likely be needed at this point as well.

Three years in I will start looking into renting a small storefront, phasing out some of the local merchants to draw in more business to my own outlet. Manufacturing in the space itself will allow for custom orders to be produced onsite and adds tourist value to the store. Hiring retail staff and training other lamp workers to manufacture will allow for an increase in productivity and allow for export into other cities. This will also allow for the possibility of expanding other outlets in other provinces with the same gimmick of having the studio in the store itself. Each store would also serve as an art gallery for local artists.

Not a bad first draft, eh? Still has a lot of work to go into it through.

So the plan is to hide behind other retail outlets while I hone my skills, then as soon as I am worthy, bam! Cut off the supply to my time companions turned competition and move out on my own and take all the customers with me! Muahaha. How else could I make some one else pay for my education? Sure I may not be that good now, but how many days is it going to take me to learn how to weld two bits of glass together? I successfully shaped a symmetrical glass bowl in two days, and glass blowing is a world harder than lampworking let me tell you. Let them sell it for me until I can sell it myself. Muahahaha...

If you have any ideas for my company name please post it in the comments, I have made it so you do not need a blogger account to spam my space.

On the other hand.

Bird Flu? Why the hell is everyone so fucking afraid of bird flu? It has only been around since 1997. AIDS got on its way back in 1978 and I do not hear any one freaking out about it mutating. Who is to say that a virus so widely spread over a massive population base will not mutate so that it can live in human saliva? Something it has a hard time doing. Then what if some one sneezed on you, and you got AIDS?

And all the other things we do not like to think about.

Honey is bee vomit, and ultimately tastes like what ever they ate. This wild flower honey is almost beyond comprehension. It turns tea to gold. Bees vomit goodness.

Sometimes Tyler worries that he is not funny. Sometimes I worry that Tyler is not funny.

Haha. Burn.

I am just glad she has learned not to make me tell her no all the time. It may not have been the first thing she learnt, but it is the most appreciated. Ugh I just read the history of AIDS. that truely is of all thoes other things we do not like to think about.

Which brings me to all the killing that has been going on. So some stupid jock was in the wrong place at the wrong time and caught a bullet. Every one freaking out panic! Oh my god! A white child of suburbia dead! Call out the guard! Increase the jail time! That will surely discourage them from committing crimes!

Firstly this kid was walking around the north end at night, he should have known better. People get killed there all the time. Secondly gang members do not think they are going to jail, and often are heard to remark, “I cannot believe this,” when they are getting arrested. So how is telling them they are going to jail for a longer period of time going to stop them if they do not think they are going in the first place? You can lock up the entire north end but they will just stab each other in prison. People do not change, we are just people.

Stabby stabby.

And all my problems disappeared.

So I went into Record Trader today with the intent of finding a reasonably priced record for me to listen to whilst I wrote my business plan. There had been many albums which I intended for myself when last I was there, so hopes of finding some devilish delight coursed over my be-ing, only to be doused with a cold bucket of over priced half interests. I guess I will take a trip downtown tomorrow for searchings of some heavenly high fidelity after dealing with the phones for the morning. Most of my albums are of the seventy five cent variety, few of which I can listen to more than once in a day, or week. There are albums I can listen to with seemingly endless repetition, and it annoys me that I have not them in the pressed style.

It would be wrong of me to continue.

Uehen/Sean

And the villagers knew the forbidden ways of the ghost shark. And that they must answer to him before anything else—the ghost shark

Minimum wage. If they could pay you less, they would.

I see...

The word processor is making me write on a half sized screen of paper and I can do nothing to change it. All normal reasoning has left me with nothing more than a half screen. Why can I not fix this? Stupid Microsoft.

I have been very good with not spending any money up until today. I spent forty dollars on honey. The kind the bees make. I spend more than that on pot and rent, but some how this feels different. What are we going to do with four kilograms of honey, a half kilo of honey fruit spread, and two tiny bottles of rare white honey? Well drink it of course. We are also going to look into getting a bottle of Mead and get hammered off honey, as that is something I have never done, and will forgive the alcohol for accounts with the honey.

Tomorrow is the end of Domo Days.

So this girl at that was sent to take over after my shift arrives an hour early and did almost all my work for me. Cash out and all. It took us fifteen minutes to finish what normally would have taken over an hour. I commented that she was working hard, to which she replied, “I do what I’m paid for.” I always thought that is what I had been doing. As little as possible.

Desirer to write fading,

Tea and honey amazing,

Havin no job don’t phase me,

Cuse getting stoned,

Makes me lazy.

Not bad for something I wrote on the run. Can I like my own writing? When do I have to draw the line between narcissism and self loathing? I always down play my own writing, and rarely tell any one that I even keep this site updated. I do not think any one if my family knows. Is it vain to want some one to read and enjoy this? Look how witty I am! I described something ordinary in an unusual context to bring a new perspective to something that annoys me. I feel like Danny Finkleman only with out the 45’s.

Ooo obscure CBC reference. So witty.

Spent the last two days listening to the CBC at work. It is better than the other stations true, but they still have their fair share of bull malarkey. Like radio call in shows about gardening. I do not care that some wheezing old woman does not know when to plant her fucking begonias. Go the library if you do not have the internet goddamnit. Why not let the expert just talk about what he loves for an hour instead of polluting the air with dullards. The most interesting things to come of the program came when he broke away from the callers and ranted about how Fire Willow is the perfect sight obscuring shrub for winter and summer thanks to its beautiful colorings, and rapid growth.

Uegh, i just read the last post i posted and it was horrible. I cannot believe myself sometimes. Well I am done trying to entertain you. It is time to get blunted.

Uehen/Sean

Take this job and shove it,
I ain't workin' here no more.
My woman done left,
An' took all the reasons I was workin' for.
You better not to try to stand in my way,
As I'm a walkin' out the door.
Take this job and shove it,
I ain't workin' here no more.

I am going to eat that shit!

Sure, I fucked up the negotiations big time, but what ever. If they want to give me shit I am just going to grab it, slap it between two slices of toast with mustard and have myself a shit sandwich!

So she shows up and I am feeling all edgy, pangs of fear, doubt, and all those other good things so I allow her time to finish her job, and for me to steady my nerves. The I launch into it, pretty much word for word on what I practiced, but I realize now I have much to learn about negotiation. She takes everything I say as a personal offence, which is not new, and is something I should have taken into account. I am on top of her and down her throat before she can catch her breath. She panics, and freaks out at me almost crying. She hears what I has to say and tries to change my mind. I stand fast, and she leaves, pissed off.

I got the record player working last night and it felt right to have “Wish You Were Here” as the debut house album.

I am going to do something else now.

Uehen/Sean

One Promise.

I rarely promise anything. I piranhas many things, but you have to say it out loud to get it.

I am a very blessed individual. I do not need any one to remind me of all I have been given, from my upper middle class family, to my education, to having all ten fingers, and all ten toes. I live in the greatest country on earth, breath the cleanest air, and drink the purest water. I have been blessed with understanding, a quick enough wit, and the ability to rise to most any occasion. I have so much potential, I can see so much opportunity, and yet I work in a gas station. I am wasting the only days of life I will ever get working in a gas station. They treat me like a criminal. They insult me with their policies. And they pay me a hair more than minimum wage.

The risks evolved in this job are as personal as the insults, but I have made a promise. Do not endanger the house. Do nothing that would even potentially risk our lives here. For it is more than my life here, it is Tyler’s as well. For this reason, I bite my tongue. For this reason, I let the blood flow back and down my throat. I only hint at job dissatisfaction, and do all the stupid tasks they ask.

I see my coworkers, and I start to understand a good many things about the human condition. They have jobs, so why look for one? It would be too hard to look for something when you already have a job anyways. They are happy being trapped in those holes, unwilling it seems, to look up and see the light obscured. The guy I worked with today has not received a raise in the four plus months he has worked for Domo, and he is afraid to ask for one. Trapped in your hole, tossed scraps of bread, but if it was not for our charity, you would be dead! They are, as it stands, short staffed. They want me to work sixteen hours tomorrow. I laughed heartily. They need more employees. They need me.

Thus my plan is, (after receiving approval from Tyler of course,) to lay it all on the line.

Hey, ahh, I have a proposal I know you are going to hate. I mean, even right now as I say this I know you are going to hate it, and I almost feel bad, but then I think about it and I don’t. I want a raise to eight fifty, but I want it to be a retro active raise, so that is as if I have been paid eight fifty from the start. I want a bonus that is going to cover any of those mistakes you say I’ve made, and I want you to tell me I can have all these things before the end of Monday, or I won’t be back for work on Tuesday.

I know you can’t do that, so go ask some one who can. I’m still on probation right? I don’t need a reference. If you decide I am not worth it, so be it.

The reasons. Eight fifty! How can Sean sell himself for eight fifty? Well because I do not plan on being there too much longer and it is a number I think they will say yes too. If I can get a retroactive raise it will have made it all the more worth while, and hold me over until I get my loan.

Ah I love Vanessa! I just got her message and she gave me fatties number. She also told me to call her back and talk about glass. The local head shop would not give me fatties number because they are all paranoid and think I am out to ruin their business. Funny how our fears manifest themselves simply because we fear them. As it is now my personal mission to destroy city haul. Dun dun dun. Feeling good about the future, I think it is going to be alright. Feeling good about the future, the beams of success are breaking through the night.

The more I think about it, the more I think I can. The more I think about it, the more I Pakistan.

John and Chris

250 4788 226

You know what finally did it for me and Christianity? The day I realized I was not the pinnacle of all creation. I was not the sum of all things manifested in the likeness of god. Weak and infected by disease, desire, greed. Mindless and blind. We are imperfect, unfinished. A creation so flawed, not even god could love. It was the realization of other options, multiple possibilities, and wisdom in the weakness.

Rogers Video at 420

Pembina and Stafford

Four twenty! What the hell? Do these people already know who I am?

Interview! Woot!

Uehen/Sean

He raped me in the chalet lines
I had just said no for the final time
Although it's last month it's like yesterday
I missed my time, I don't think I could stand
To take the test, I'm feeling sick
Fuck this, I've felt like this for a week
I'd put a knife right into his eyes
My friend can't see
She asks me why I don't
Tell the law
Oh what's the fucking point at all

That I loved You.

Holding this child in my arms broke my heart. The sideways smile and big blue eyes that went on forever. The future I could see for him, the future that has already gripped his generation. In the warmth of my mother house with carrots and potatoes, I am raked by grief looking into those eyes. I fear for my mothers influence on him. I fear for the influence of his drunken grandfather. I fear for the influence of the methamphetamines his mother took while she was pregnant.

I look into those eyes and I can feel only despair.

I tried not to think about the seizures that would contort that innocent face. I tried not to think about the massive central nervous system damage he had suffered as a result of his mothers sins. I have been trying not to think about it. I have been trying not to think about it. I have been trying not to think about it.

and I can feel only despair.

I think of how indifferent I am to the suffering of those around me. I think how I would not care if he was in his thirties and had done it to himself. I think about all the idle bondage he will suffer at the hands of his peers, for being slower, for being different. I think of the road that he walks into this future.

only despair.

How do I feel about abortion. Adoption. The lives we leave behind us, so that we may sleep at night. Would his life have been better for him if he had never come to be. Is his suffering reason enough to live, or die? His cards had been dealt for him before he was born, short changed from day one, but I cannot ask for his life to be renounced. I could not leave him behind.

despair.

uehen

and for the four-year-old girl found dead in a dumpster
shot by her mother, her eulogy,
the sound of construction through head-to-head traffic
today is just another day.

These songs of freedom are all I will ever have.

It is like a book of car crashes, on each new page you think the next picture could not possibly be worst, and then there it is. They find a way to shock you again.

I realize now that I have no place at a gas station.

I got praise from the head CEO guy for Winnipeg today. The Gas Baron himself came up and pretended he was a customer. It was busy, so he did not care that I did not wash his wind shield. He came up after and congratulated me, then helped out for a while. Then an old woman yelled at him for not doing the discount coupon right. He was amazed I have only been working six shifts.

I will use it to ask for a raise if things go wrong today. Ich, I do not want to think about that.

I love old people. They cannot drive, or add, they smoke too much and insist on paying with as many pennies as they can muster. I love the smokers, and their anal stance on only smoking Players Light 100’s. Addiction is the spice of life. I love counting. At the end of every shift, you have to count every chocolate bar, every pack of chips, every pack of gum, every can of pop, every paper, every pack of smokes, and every everything that there is in the store. Everything, counted, at the end of every shift. It is so we do not steal, which I take as a personal insult to my intelligence.

As any fool can see how easy it is to set some one up for the blame...

They bog you down with so much paper work to stop you from stealing that I know there is no way some one is going over my numbers unless something goes wrong. Not that I am doing anything wrong, I want them too look at me walking away for the last time and feel bad about losing me. I have been trying to be the best employee I can be. As a test for myself, sort of. To see if I can hold an insult on my tongue without spitting... or swallowing. I want to be in the position to demand a raise if I am forced back to work there tomorrow. Ich.

Faith faith faith.

Happy birthday James! (A day late)

I called twice but you were not home. I am smoking a blunt for you after my interview. When are you moving to Winnipeg?

Relax.

Deep breath. I must remain calm. Alert. Ready.

I finally know what I can say as my greatest weakness. Math! Well I would have to say math is my greatest personally weakness, if I do not have a calculator, or some paper I get confused adding numbers. So long as I have something to write on I will be fine, but do not trust any of the numbers to come strictly from my head.

A good weakness, as it is not really that applicable. When will I have to be counting cheese with out paper or calculator?

One hour. I will leave in twenty minutes.

Best get everything organized.

Bike, lock, hat, bag, pants, shoes, shirt, sweater, ready, set go. Too bad it is raining out.

Stupid old people

reminding me of my own mortality!

You have had your time!

More than most will ever get to see!

Stop reminding,

Of my own mortality!

The Perry Bible Fellowship

Some times I wish my eyes would turn blue from all the tea I drink.

I told my work that I had a doctors appointment at two, so I needed off at one, so by two forty five I was on the verge of freaking out because the math was killing me, but I let my manager believe that it was because I was going to be “late.” Making me late for something else sets a bad example, as work itself is something that you should be on time for. My interview is not until four. Of course. So with a little luck, and a lot of charm I will be able to give a detailed report to them on the failings of their training program during my exit interview. Spare no feelings. Feel no guilt. Work some place else. Any place else.

I would rather be calling Americans to inform them to their unpaid credit card bills than supporting terrorism 75 litres at a time.

It would make a good bumper stickers to slap on the back of SUVs.

”I support terrorism Seventy five litres at a time.” You could put it over a faded back ground of American flag blending with a Saudi Arabian flag. I also want to make stickers that say, “Save our Trees, No Flyers Please.” And then go around and put them on everyone’s mail box. The idea being that only the people who really, really want flyers will take the time to peal them off their mail box. I had better go. I want to have a good fifteen minutes to dry my pants before the interview.

Uehen today Sean tomorrow.

ADDED THREE HOURS LATER:

Asking for Less.

Oh terrible fate.

Sometimes the circumstances will only allow you so much victory. Dare I call it victory. I feel my bad day hanging on my mind and I feel that I have answered all your questions incorrectly. It was not a normal interview. None of the normal questions. My best rehearsed pieces left on the side lines while the third string fumbled every play. Maybe I am being hard on myself. I did make him smile. October thirty first, is when I will know if I am free. If I am able to leave this job behind me. I did make him smile. A month is a long time to wait for an answer, and he seems forgetful. I guess that means that I will have to track him down again in two weeks to remind him why I am the answer to all his problems.

So in my lull after the interview I make myself feel better by going to Kustom Kulture and reading ad busters. Ich. So much crappy glass.

Unhappy would be a good way to describe me right now. I am so rarely unhappy. Oh sure, I am rarely jubilant but... ahh. I do not want to work at a gas station. Much less this gas station. My grasp on the English language and my ability to learn everything about something is so perfectly suited for cheese and wine.

Irony.

Even cancer needs a home.

No future, no future, no future.

If I died in the summer time.

October is summers last stand.

The last hope for a few more sunny days.

I hate this damned tilting axis, why do the trees have to die?

I just got off the phone with Andrew. Nothing good has ever come of some one named Andrew. I am the bloody golden boy of the fucking gas station. I left all the paper work for him to do after I was running “late” and it was a hundred or so odd dollars short, but he was all to insistent that I not worry about it. Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it. All would be forgiven so long as I kept working away.

Why did the day have to turn so sour.

I realize now that the bar is rather high in the expectation department over there, but seeing as I work at a gas station the hurdles still only need to be stepped over. You can see the decline from what they have in our Team Members Jump to the Pump manual, to what they tell us during training, to what your fellow employs will admit, to what is really going on.

Where will you run when there is no ground?

Relax Sean, we will hand out some more resumes Wednesday morning.

I have come this far, may as well go a little further.

Uehen/Sean

Some one who claims to believe in nothing, obviously believes in something, but will only bring it up, when trying to make a point in an argument.

-Tyler on his favorite type of anarchist.